Goodbye, Love

Around five in the evening, I saw the story you uploaded.

“You came back to fix things, but she has already healed.”

Shayad woh mere liye tha, ya shayad nahi.

But if it was, I understand.

I was on my way home from the office when I saw that story. Precisely, at Dadar station.

Us waqt sunset kaafi khoobsurat tha, orangish sa. I was looking at it, and it reminded me of you. It was beautiful and serene.

Chaand toh teri yaad dilata hi hai, but uss waqt dhalte hue suraj ne bhi dilayi.

Use dekh ke sukoon mil raha tha, aur tumhaari story dekh ke bechaini bhi thi.

Ki kitni khoobsurat hai yeh shaam, bilkul tumhaari tarah...

Aur woh dhalta hua suraj, bilkul teri aankhon ki tarah.

Woh chaand bhi khoobsurat hai tumhaari tarah,

Naaki tum uski tarah.

Chaand hamesha dekhunga jab bhi yaad aayegi.

Achha lagta hai.

TBH, mai nahi jaanta yeh tumhaare liye matter karega ya nahi. Mai nahi jaanta ki tum kya sochti ho. Shayad karega, shayad nahi.

But I want you to read this one last time.

Iss baar ijazat lekar jaa raha hoon.

Socha toh yahi tha ki uss din ke baad kabhi baat nahi hogi. Par aakhir mein raha hi nahi gaya.

Aisa nahi tha ki mai baat karna nahi chahta tha. Yakeen maanna, tujhse baat karna mere din ka sabse achha moment hota tha. Sukoon milta tha, achha lagta tha. Tumse baat na karna would be the last thing I would ever want.

20th October hai aaj. Yeh sab likh raha hoon mai abhi, aankhein thodi nam hain. Dil mein ek heaviness wali feeling hai.

Cheezon ko express karne mein achha nahi hoon mai. Kaafi soch-soch ke likh raha hoon.

Hurting you would be the last thing I would ever want to do. Par shayad yeh baat mai pehle se jaanta tha ki humari story aise khatam hogi. Bas maanna nahi chahta tha.

It was always a one-sided thing, and I knew it.

Kambakht, yeh dil ko bhi wahi pasand aata hai jo naseeb mein nahi hota.

Yaad hai, jab hum mile the, at the cafe beside Vartak?

Maine kaha tha, I love you.

Phir tune kaha tha, Nahi, tu nahi karta hai.

So I asked, “Tujhe aisa kyun lagta hai?” But you didn’t say much after that.

Aaj bhi mai sochta hoon ki why you had said that. Us waqt, for a moment, aisa laga tha ki shayad tu sahi ho.

Lekin sach toh yahi hai ki I have never stopped remembering you in all these years. It's like, agar mai chahoon bhi ki yaad na karoon, toh woh mumkin hi nahi hai.

I don't have a strong grasp on my memory, but jitna bhi yaad hai, chalo shuru se shuru karte hain.

I guess we have known each other since 8th standard, but we never really interacted much in school.

I'm not very good with memories, but I still remember the first time I saw you.

You had come to my class for the group captain voting.

And I remember thinking, how can someone look so lovely in that stupid green uniform?

Or maybe you only looked that lovely to me because, somewhere along the way, I had become affectionate towards you.

After that, I used to peek into Division A just to see you.

But we never really talked that much.

Then came our farewell.

Again, you were BEAUTIFUL in that purple saree. Or was it burgundy? Whatever it was, you looked beautiful.

To be honest, us din aisa laga ki aaj last time tujhe dekh raha hu.

I remember that heavy-heart feeling, the kind you get when your mind realises that you might never see the person you want to see again.

But then we had our SSC centre at Peters, even next to each other.

I was very happy.

Actually, I think I was happier that we had the same centre than I was scared about the exams.

I faintly remember one of the exam days when we were sitting under that tree opposite the administrative office of the school.

We were talking about something...

And then you ran your fingers through my hair and said I had nice hair.

And TRUST ME, I WAS ON CLOUD NINE.

LITERALLY.

I guess that's the only time you ever touched me.

Unfortunately, we couldn't meet after our last exam because of the lockdown.

zindagi guzarti gayi,

waqt beet ta gaya,

Then, after two or three years, I guess, we met at our friends' reunion at McDonald's Agarwal.

I was excited and happy that I would get to meet you again.

Although it didn't go that well for me.

I fumbled seeing you, if you recall. I did those stupid things with my hair during the photos.

Overall, though, it was good.

After that also, we met a couple of times at that cafe near Vartak.

We also had pani puri later while leaving.

That became one of those little memories that stayed with me.

I had downloaded Snapchat just so that I could talk to you.

It became a routine.

I would wait to see your snaps. Almost all of them, I had saved.

They would still be there. It's been around two years since I've used it now.

Maybe I'll see them someday again when I'll be missing you.

I was reading our older chats and I got this.

jab maine bola tha ki main gaali dena band kar dunga and you were directly like "chhod", as if tujhe pata mujhse nahi hoga. Guess what yaha par bhi sahi thi tu, nahi chhod paya🤧

I used to believe that you cannot truly love someone unless and until you have seen every aspect of their life—

their happiness,

their sadness,

their anger,

their stress...

And despite seeing every side of them, you still choose to be with them.

You choose to spend your life with them.

You choose to be a part of every aspect of their life.

And I...

I barely know you.

We haven't even spent that much time together.Not even as friends, really. Most of our conversations throughout all these years were online.

Yet somehow...

I still feel something for you.

Talking to you brings me joy.

I enjoy listening to you, although I haven't heard you that much.

I enjoy looking at your photos.

Your eyes...

they are serenely beautiful.

Talking about your eyes, I remember when you got stung by bees around your eyes.

And you sent me a photo of that on Instagram.

I was laughing sarcastically, but I was genuinely worried about you too.

These were the small yet memorable things.

And maybe that's why I want to explain why I disappeared.

The reason I stopped talking to you wasn't because I didn't want to.

Not wanting to talk to you would probably be the last thing on earth I would have wanted.

It wasn't that what you said upset me simply because you said it.

It upset me because, somewhere deep down, I already knew that what you said was true.

When you said to me,

"You're not boring, you're just a noob trying to act like a pro,"

I felt that.

Not because I thought you were trying to mock me.

But because I knew you weren't someone who would just say something like that without meaning it.

I could be wrong to presume. But somehow, somewhere in my mind, I knew that what you said was probably how my personality came across to you.

And that made me realise something about myself.

Somewhere along the way, I had started fancying you.

I had become affectionate towards you.

And at the same time, I had started feeling that maybe I wasn't capable of being the person you would want or need.

Maybe I had been trying too hard to be someone I thought you would like, instead of simply being myself.

And once I realised that, I didn't really know what to do with those feelings.

So I stepped away.

Not because I didn't want to talk to you.

Not because I was angry with you.

But because, somewhere in my mind, I already knew that, and you saying it reaffirmed it. I was just trying to avoid the truth in the pursuit of having you for longevity.

I just needed to accept what I was feeling.

Even during that entire year when I didn't talk to you, I missed you.

In prayer as well.

Mai namazi toh nahi, lekin jab bhi maine namaz padhi hai, dua maangi hai tere khairiyat ki.

And I can say this with assurance: you are the only girl I have ever included in my duas.

In between those times, I wanted to talk to you.

There were so many times when I wanted to text you.

But that feeling of not being good enough for you stopped me.

kabhi kabhi sochta tha shayad tu kabhi saamne se text karegi, puchegi ki kya hua kyu baat nahi karna but..

Until about a week ago, when I just couldn't hold it and finally texted you.

Lekin ab sochta hu shayad nahi karna chahiye tha.

And maybe that's why I'm writing all of this now.

Because I don't actually know what you think about me anymore.

I don't know if you're upset with me.

I don't know if you hate me.

I don't know if you simply don't want to talk to me anymore.

And honestly, I don't want to assume any of those things.

Maybe you have your own reasons.

Maybe things have simply changed.

This is not an attempt to convince you anymore.

ab shayad kaafi late ho gaya

I just wanted, perhaps for the first time, to tell you everything I never really managed to say.

I am sorry,

If I ever hurt your feelings in any way, I genuinely never intended to.

I'm sorry.

And maybe you were right.

Maybe I really am a noob pretending to be a pro.

par ab nahi kar raha pretend.

Now,

I am just a noob.

Aur ab pareshan nahi karunga tujhe, ab bother nahi karunga,

No more those stories, No more messages, No more distrubing you

Maybe, this is where it finally ends.

"May be" isiliye kyunki zindagi mein kuch bhi ho sakta hai. and that's why I am leaving a probability.

But if this is the end, I don’t want you to remember it with bitterness.

I don’t want you to remember me with hatred whenever you happen to think of me. I’d rather you remember me with a nostalgic smile.

And as for me,

I'd rather remember the girl in that stupid green uniform.

The girl in that purple saree.

The girl who once ran her fingers through my hair and made me feel like I was on top of the world.

The girl whose snaps I used to wait for.

The girl whose eyes I still think are serenely beautiful, and always will be.

The girl whose bee-stung eyes somehow still managed to make me laugh and worry at the same time.

The girl who loves jhumkas.

The girl who loves KitKat, chocolate ice cream, and Hyderabadi chicken. These things will remind me of you.

Those are the things I’ll remember.

And I don't regret caring about you.

I don't regret the conversations.

I don't regret the memories.

Lagta hai story ke end mein pahuch gaye hum.

Allah kare wherever life takes you, it takes you somewhere beautiful.

May Allah bless you with everything you wish for.

May He protect you from every evil.

May He help you achieve your dreams.

May He ease your heart in heaviness.

And I know you're a strong woman, but may Allah bless you with a pious man who treats you like a princess, respects you, loves you, and gives you the happiness you deserve.

And finally, allow me to quote what Damon Salvatore said, but in a rhetorical way:

"May you find a love that consumes you...

a passion, an adventure."

And whatever kind of love you find, I hope it is beautiful, peaceful, and everything you’ve ever wished for.